Pants Vs. getting old.

I was ten once. about 20 years ago. and I was sitting on the floor in my sisters bedroom.
my sister was always cool. pretty blonde and popular. everything I never was. she always had lots of friends, and lots of things to do. my sister helped shape me into the person I am today by introducing me to things I never would have been in contact with.
that night, I had my first drink of gin. and it was the first time I ever heard Siamese Dream.
1993.
I remember hearing Billy Corgan for the first time belting out Disarm, and Soma and my all time favorite pumpkins song - mayonnaise.
I spent nearly 2 years learning how to play mayonnaise on guitar. I still can't nail the hammer ons.
the pumpkins became a staple in my musical library. in my musical maturity. Hole, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails. the quadrant of cool. all these bands, interconnected. shaping me and my appreciation for hard distortion and left right balance. I miss being 15. I miss how new it all felt.

I've seen the pumpkins twice in my life before tonight. but the machina tour show they did was my favorite. They killed it with an acoustic performance of 1979 as the encore.
I was in love for the first time, with a girl named Tegan. and something about that song always brought me back to her. something in the lyrics. something in the way we both loved Billy harder than Trent, or Courtney, harder sometimes even than Kurt. and I felt certain that he played that song for us.
(ironically, that concert was during a somersault tour and I also got to see Hole that day)

one of my best friends Amanda texted me randomly this afternoon to tell me we were going around smashing pumpkins tonight. at least - that's how I read it. and I recently broke my rib (long story) so my initial reaction was to advise her that I can't do anything that has any significant force involved. since even breathing hurts. but of course, she had meant we were going TO Smashing Pumpkins. not actually..smashing...pumpkins. which makes way more sense.
I jumped at the chance to see these guys again. remembering that moment during 1979 where I fell in love with acoustic renditions. (plus, I've been pretty much bed ridden for two weeks due to aforementioned broken rib. so any chance to get out of the house is something I jump on.)


the first half of the nearly 2 and a half hour set was them playing Oceania (their new album) in it's entirety. and the second half being comprised of covers (space oddity by bowie and black diamond by kiss) and running through some of their 'dusties' - as billy called them.
they did Disarm, and bullet with butterfly wings and tonight tonight. then came back for the encore with Zero and Ava Adore (a song which I had TOTALLY forgotten about, and was really pleased to hear live)
but sadly, no 1979.
I can't say that I enjoyed any part of oceania. I didn't care for much of what billy has done since Machina. so the first half was kind of boring to me. I couldn't get into it. and I couldn't get over the fact that there was hardly any-one there. they only attempted to sell maybe a quarter of the seats available in rexall place. which is sad on it's own.
it reminded me hardcore of when I saw Manson in Ottawa a few years ago. how there was hardly anyone there. these brilliant revolutionary artists, with amazing vision and talent, and no one cares anymore.
at one point me and Amanda looked over and saw a couple, easily in their 50's, head bobbing along to bullet and our jaws dropped. the usual response would be to question why the fuck they were there. I mean really, you're 50!
but then it dawned on me.
1993. Siamese Dream came out 20 years ago. this couple? they were MY age when it was released.
it dawned on us. that in 20 years that's going to be us. head bobbing at Mother Mother, or Metric.
props to that couple. they made me feel young in the midst of 18 year olds who are still riding the wave that Kurt and Billy created. I'm sure they will all be at RHCP next month, displaying their green day tattoos, looking at me the way I looked at that couple.
sigh.
I'm not ready to grow up.