a curious instance of fear/excitement made its way on to me today.
for what exactly, well.. it's hard to explain.
it's those instances where you think you want something, in fact, you're damn well convinced you want something, need something. and then it happens. and you shudder at the mere idea of it.
spending so much time meticulously obsessive, planning each word and syllable out a hundred and fifty times over to make sure it's the exact representation of how you feel. only to have your body physically betray you, and react 190% in the opposite direction.
the saying goes, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. (and I'm sorry to those who instantly get the pussy cats doll song stuck in their head, much like me. unfortunately it's the exact sentence the relays my point. and therefore, unavoidable.)

Awhile ago. not too long long, but forever ago. I was given the opportunity to move. the opportunity came with great sacrifice and great personal gain. not only in my career but in general development - something I'm always always on board with. it was a hard hard decision to make to not jump at the chance to rekindle my love of the eastern direction. a decision I made based on a number of factors. things and issues and what now seems like such trivial bullshit. but. who knows. there were a lot of pro and con lists actuated and created. drawn and redrawn until I was forced into making a hasty decision that wasn't so much based on what I wanted or needed at the time, but on what I definitely didn't want or need.
not the correct way to make a decision. let me tell you.

so now, with the opportunity being placed back onto the proverbial table. I'm left wondering, what is the right way to make this decision? am I further along than I was a year ago? have I come to a complete apex where this makes total sense? half sense? any sense? what chances do I have left to make/take. I have far more things to consider this time around. more people to consider, more feelings involved. I'm no longer just responsible for myself, but there are others depending on me in ways that I'm not sure I can just let go of. Have I crossed that main-stage into a place where I could feasibly do this without being...I don't know..worried?
I guess it's time to bust out the lists again. I only have until January to decide.
in the mean time. so much to consider. so fucking much to consider.