Smokey is curled up in a cat log on the top of the cushion on the couch. she's staring out the window towards the sun that's setting in the distance. sometimes I sit beside her and lay my head on her and listen to her tiny heart beating extra fast inside her chest. I listen to her purr and listen to her breath and thank every god and every Deity in the solar system that I can still have moments like these with her. where she is happy and I am happy and I get to enjoy the end of a long hard week with her being peaceful next to me. I love this little cat. I can't bear the thought that I have maybe only a few more months with her. so sometimes I forget she's sick, sometimes I forget she's 20, and I just remember her being a tiny baby kitten and dream about the days when I'll introduce her to my children, and she'll curl up next to them in their crib and burp fishy cat food breath or putrid cat butt onto them just like she's done to me for so so many years.
and for now, I'm just thankful that she's still purring. still breathing. still happy here with me.
and I'm happy that this week is over. despite the fact that I work tomorrow. and happy I get to spend the vast majority of my weekend with people that I adore. and especially happy that I get to spend time with the girl I adore the most. my amazing and wonderful girlfriend. who I can't wait to see.
You know, sometimes I get so caught up in the notion that I've finally found someone that I want to build a life with, and have a life with that I can't stop smiling. I can't stop thinking about her. and I can't stop wanting to move forward into the future with her. it's a strange and wonderful feeling that I've never had before. and I wish that everyone could always feel the way I do.

in other news. I love Paul Anderson movies. I love love love his cinematography. and his long panned shots, and the way they tell stories without words. I haven't seen boogie nights in a long time, and it was on TV tonight, so I started watching it and just didn't stop. the one shot, when little John catches his wife (for the 9 millionth time) fucking another guy, then goes and gets his gun and shoots them and then shoots himself... that's one of the most amazing scenes out of any of his movies.  it flows so perfectly. from the party happening around him, to how he sets his champagne on the roof of the car, to how he takes the care to lock his car doors despite the fact that he's about to go murder everyone and blow his head off is just...wonderful. I love love love how it plays out. it makes me want to immediately download and watch magnolia. because that's my favorite movie from him. but alas, as mentioned. work tomorrow. so instead I will settle for delaying my need to see it again for a few days and take my tired ass to bed.

Edit - in an amazing and fully fucking crazy ironic instance of CHANCE - Magnolia is actually on right now! Anyone who has seen it will understand how the chances are undeniably amazing. And now I'm fighting sleep to try to re watch it.