I'm not feeling exceptionally hilarious today. I feel really ranty today. so I will post a few one liners I had throughout the last week that warrant noting, in association to my rant.
soooo I'm going to tell you about my week, and how awkward I am. and how awkward things just seem to happen to me constantly.
I am rightfully charming. let's not kid ourselves. I happen to win people over with my wit and charm on a regular basis. but that charm and that wit are merely a clever disguise I have to compensate for the fact that I'm socially retarded. I don't employ any sort of filter whatsoever. As in I will talk about fisting while in the company of anyone. if I even sense there's a line being drawn, I will immediately cross it. (and sometimes immediately regret crossing it too). I also don't seem to be very good at knowing when enough is truly enough. These things don't bother me about myself. realistically - and let's be serious here only for a few seconds I promise - the world tends to weigh people down in such a way that we are told thousands of different things or thousands of different reasons to hate ourselves on a minute by minute basis. I have no time for that nonsense. I'm fat, I don't have any sense of style, I only remember to clip my toesnails when they get so long that I gauge pieces of flesh out of my legs while I'm sleeping, I haven't shaved my legs in nearly two years. and I honestly don't understand why it isn't socially acceptable to go out in public with bed head. all these things I'm 'told' aren't 'cool' or 'hip with the kids' these days. pfft. whatever. like my toenails being long is somehow going to be the trigger for the economical crash of canada. guess you guys better start counting your assets now. cause I'm definitely not clipping those bad boys today.
anyways. back to my original point, - I have no ability to care about what other people think. and it's something that I actually really like about myself. and I refuse to ever hate myself for stupid reasons like being tactless. fuckkkk that. but it often makes me awkward. it's kind of ironic actually. I don't care if people get offended or think I'm brass or disrespectful, but if they seem to think that, then I get awkward. which in turn makes me even more brass and line crossing. it's a hilarious cycle.
why do I get awkward if I don't care what people think? simple - the natural reaction to disapproval is to immediately seek approval to balance the scales. however, being the social retard that I am, my natural reaction to disapproval is to be even more disapproving. push push push limits. cross lines. fuck boundaries. fuck them without lube. go on. do it. it's fun.


this week I happened to offend someone I work with, just by being gay. that's pretty much been my crowning achievement of the week. don't count the fact that I made the company money, or retained important customer relationships, no no. that shit doesn't even get an honorable mention. what does get a mention, AND the company's equivalent to a public disapproving finger shake on more than one occasion, is my ability to somehow bother someone else SOOOO much just by talking about my life, and the things I've encountered.
there are two separate scenarios that are the cause of such offense, I'll share with you the breakdown of both and their consequential rebuttals.
the first took place last friday during what they call a 'mentor lunch' where in people I work with who are considered the cherry picked cream of le crop take all the new hires out for lunch to show how awesome and accepting they are. except they aren't. accepting, or awesome.
I am not a new hire. I've been with my company for 2.5 years. but I am re-educating after some time off, so I was invited to the lunch. and really - who the fuck ever says no to free food? not this guy. (see prior mention of being fat. HA)
there also happened to be 3 other gay people joining us for the lunch. whom I am friends with. During the lunch the topic of gay pride came up (as it's gay pride week in montreal and about to be gay pride week in ottawa) from there we then entered into the topic of protestors at the parade and shared our own experiences with discrimination and how we handled ourselves.
I mentioned how I once hugged a protestors, and how once me and my girlfriend at the time just kissed in front of them. one of the other girls mentioned how she squirted one with a squirt gun once and that was about as far as we went. we then got on the topic of other forms of discrimination that we've encountered in our lives. I told a story about how in high school I was not allowed to reference my sexuality during an open stage in my guitar class, and was threatened with expulsion when I asked for permission to start a LGBT alliance group in the same high school.
that was our conversation.
now imagine my surprise when we returned from lunch to our learning room and were confronted by our instructor that our lunch conversation was offensive to someone else there.
pardon? repeat that? ok!
somehow, me and my friends talking about being discriminated against for being homosexual was OFFENSIVE to someone. did that someone speak to us during the lunch at all? no. did they even directly speak to us about the so called offense? no. they went to our instructor and shook their homophobic finger all over the place and go us in trouble. FOR BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST.
last time I checked that was kinda illegal in canada. but hey. I'm not a lawyer.
HOWEVER. the CEO of my company? yea. she's a lawyer. she's also an amazing woman who happens to be somewhat of an inspiration to me. someone who has always gone to bat for the entire company, in any situation. I wonder if she would find it offensive if I told her about how I was now getting discriminated against at work? trouble is, every time I mention letting her know about the situation, whether it be in passing or during a rant about the whole thing, everyone seems to tighten up. when did I start being associated with such pussy's? I don't get it.
the second occurrence happened AFTER work. wherein I was polite enough to save my retelling of an awkward moment I had with a new family member teaching me the appriopriate way to sign lesbian in sign language. however, since it was just after we were let go for the day, the same instructor, who gave us the bad news that our mishaps in early life where offensive, also happened to overhear a part of the conversation. and immediately SHUSHED me as soon as the word lesbian was uttered.
so I guess now not only is my life offensive, but also my vocabulary. sorry. FUCK SHIT FUCK YOU FUCK FUCK FUCK - that's ok.
buuuuuuuut GOD FORBID YOU EVER UTTER THE WORD LESBIAN AGAIN. you will be smited! SMITED SO HARD!
is smited even a word? whatever. SMITED SMITEEEEDDD!!!

and what have we learned about me today? that I - upon my twisted natural reaction to disapproval? yeaaaa. I seek more disapproval. so so much more.
that's my new goal for this upcoming week. to be as gay as humanly possible. because god knows I don't support the whole 'gay rights' agenda bullshit (my reasoning being simple - it's fucking stupid to demand equality while purposefully segregating yourself from the people you want to be equal with. idiots.)
but if you want to take away my right to be a bigot, then I'm going to damn well fight for my right to be a bigot. asshats.

anyways. I have a few one liners to lighten it up a bit.

upon overhearing a conversation my instructor was having with someone in which he referred to his bag as a 'satchel' I just gave him the most blank stare I could muster. he questioned what the look was for and I merely replied "I'm just questioning your sexuality. give me a minute"


secondly, a girl in my class was complaining about a fellow coworker being somewhat of a creeper towards her. she ranted for a few moments before I calmly asked her "did he ask you to put the lotion on your skin? or else you would get the hose again?"


thirdly - I ventured to a lovely provincial park yesterday, with white sand beaches and cold clear water. it was lovely. except that despite my layers and layers of sunscreen I still managed to sunburn the following places -
my armpits. yea. legitimately my fucking armpits. WHO DOES THAT? oh yea. me. captain fucking awkward.
the inside of both my legs. no, not my entire leg. just the inside. so effectively there is line down my leg of burn, and a line of pasty albino goodness.
but the worst part is that while I was laying out in the sun, I was also digging my hands into the sand. because I'm a bit of a texture whore. in doing so I manged to burn only the back of my hands. my fingers are all pasty. but there is a bright red circular pattern on the backs of my hands of toasty burnt skin.
I swear to fuck. this shit only could happen to me.

but really, what this whole post is really about it, is that despite that this shit could only happen to me because I'm so awkward and weird and random and offensive, I would never change me. I will never change me.
so SUCK IT FUCKERS.
suck it.