Thoughts of the day - Canadian airport security VS. American airport security VS boarder crossing via vehicle (to and from)


Canadian airport security -
my first trip to Las Vegas when I was a merely chil' of 21 had me also visiting my first ever encounter with security doing a 'full' search. At the time I was totally hammered, and had my nipples pierced. why is this relevant? well apparently when you use cheap jewelery in your piercings they set off metal detectors and are cause for full body pat downs. DUH. so while my tits are causing flight delays all across western canada, I, reminder DRUNK, proceed to tell the woman doing my pat down that this would be a lot less awkward if she just bought me dinner first. (I can't even make this shit up, plus I have my seester as a witness to this being actual fact)

American airport security -
This actually happened on the return flight from Vegas of the same trip previously mentioned.
In Las Vegas, as many of you may or may not know, prostitution is legal. IE - you can bang for money. Hell, you can even advertise the ladies of the night on fancy playing cards that get handed out on every damn street corner throughout the entire city. HOWEVER, solicitation of sex is not legal. IE you can't say HEY! YOU! twenty bucks and I'll let you stick it in my pooper!. so the people handing out the hooker trading cards can't really talk to you. instead they just flick the cards about making noise trying to get your attention. (though other theories are that the people handing out the cards just can't speak english. I'm inclined to believe my version of the story just because I believe me. you should too.)
ANNNYWAYS, what does a young lesbian in the worlds largest adult playground do when faced with such propositions? well I collect the damn trading cards! what did you think I was going to say? (side note, I also did call one of them once, ONLY to ask how much someone would charge to come play nintendo with me. no sexy time stuff required. I never did get an honest answer. though through "OTHER" sources, that shall remain nameless, I've discovered that it's a standard 200 dollars to get the lady to your room. THEN you negotiate price. I think I'll just play nintendo on my own thanks.)
Upon my arrival to the airport to return to my native land of canadia, I was stopped by a customs officer requesting that I open my luggage to reveal it's juicy contents, seeing as he didn't believe I went to vegas for a week and didn't manage to spend more than 200 dollars on merchandise. cause you know, vegas is known for its....shopping?. upon opening my suitcase, all of my hooker trading cards, from allison to zsa zsa, where scattered all over the place. The customs officer, in all his hilarity, picked one up and raised an eyebrow at me. all I could do was shrug and say "You want one?"
he declined.

American Border Guards (driving)
2 years and a bit ago I drove across canada to move from alberta to my new home in Quebec. in doing so I crossed into the states to save some time. I had all my worldly possessions packed tightly and expertly into my trunk and back seat. upon arriving up to the little booth I was greeted with a less than cheery lady who seemed to not want to hear the answers I had to the questions she was asking. eventually I was getting a bit annoyed at her constantly interrupting me and may have come across as a bit brash, something you NEVER want to do when attempting to cross into the states. ESP when you car is packed full of stuff. you're pretty much are a drug smuggler at that point. regardless of the fact that you don't do drugs, let alone smuggle them.
try telling border crossing that.
so I had to turn off my car, surrender my keys, and go wait in a little windowless waiting area until they had sufficiently taken all of my stuff out of the trunk and had the dogs have a go at it.
while waiting, I was provided with a lovely little pamphlet entitled "So you want to be a drug smuggler" that included a 3 page list of things you are definitely NOT ALLOWED to smuggle. like pot, meth, cough syrup (no joke. codeine is supremely frowned upon in the states apparently. poor bastards. that shit is awesome.) and Oxycodone. After I was done reading all about how I was about to get my asshole violated by an unfriendly un-lubed glove, the previously angry looking woman who was turning my life into hell returned with my keys and said I was free to go.
....REALLY? YOU MEAN I'M NOT A DRUG SMUGGLER? OH THANK GOD!
before departing I had to re pack my car. she had to supervise. this also included her going through my backpack that she 'apparently' hadn't gone through previously. Guess who likes to put sex toys in seemingly inconspicuous looking backpacks?!?! THIS GUY!!!!! (my only form of redemption.)
side note - it wasn't until I was halfway through michigan and pulled over for a piss break that I realized in the cup holder of my car, in a small ziplock bag was my remaining tablets of oxycodone. 6 to be exact. how many does it take to be charged fully with trafficking? 4. who knows how the dogs missed those. maybe my carefully placed backpack-o-sex-toys distracted them. I guess real drug smugglers should note that latex apparently covers up the scent of narcotics. that or jesus loves me.


Canadian Border Guards (driving) -
I waited in line for about 35 seconds to get back into ontario from michigan on the same trip. I had thrown out the oxy just in case. and used about an entire canister of lysol wipes to wipe down not only the cup holder, but the entire car as well. since I figured what had happened just a few hours prior would undoubtedly show up on their little computer screens. This would be a good time for me to advise that I had a legal prescription for the oxy, however I didn't have it ON me. and it was a saturday, so having my dr confirm this would not be possible until the monday. I had visions of spending 2 days camped out at the border waiting. just waiting. so I was trying to do everything in my power to try and thwart any issues.
the moment of truth arrived, I pulled up to a friendly looking fellow in one of the lanes, he swiped my passport, I held my breath and he said.....Welcome to Canada!

THIS VIDEO DEPICTS THE EVENT PERFECTLY.


I <3 Canada.