Pants Vs. alcohol

I've drawn the conclusion that, when drunk, thought patterns work much the same way as when you're surfing youtube and get lost in the kittens doing shit abyss.

you can't comprehend anything for more than a minute or two at a time. and you go from I love you man, to how could you bang my ex *throat punch* in like 5 seconds. it's balls.

I've had a rough go with alcohol most of my life. started young, don't know my limit, etc etc.
in the last few years though, I've started becoming more aware of how insanely stupid drinking really is. and hardly partake in the bubbly because of said insane stupidity.
there are a few choice times where I will allow myself to drink in excess anymore. last night was one of those times. and I undoubtedly..with no question..TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY. regret it.

the thing about me is I spend a lot of my time being passive. and when I drink, that changes. and I kinda turn into a raging asshat. and then when I wake up the next day, I kinda feel like hiding under my covers until a safe time when people will have forgotten totally about me and the stupid shit that comes outta my mouth. technology has made things worse still, with the invention of text messages. now not only can I be a raging asshat to those in my immediate vicinity, but I can also reach out to multiple people across the globe and spread the asshatery! yay!

Drinking also gives you super powers. in case you didn't know. every person differs in what super powers they get. my own are as follows -
I have the ability to completely remove my sheets and pillow cases from my bed IN MY SLEEP. because it's in my sleep, I've come to the conclusion that I do it with the power of my MIND. drunk Pants wants nothing to do with your silly linens! be gone from me 3000 thread count Egyptian cotton DEVILS! BE GONE!
I also have the ability to be 100% certain that my ex's want to hear from me. not only do they want to hear from me, but they want to hear my tearful confessions of regret and undying love for them. as an added bonus to this super power, I also have the ability to dial their number and hit redial 187 times in the span of 10 minutes. quite the feat, considering I can rarely remember where I left my pants, or how to speak in full words and sentences, let alone operate a PHONE. (thus being a super power)

I can also turn any lack of proper food in my fridge into the most wonderful and delicious culinary delight. like banana peppers and popcorn. or mango tofu and banana peppers. pretty much anything and banana peppers. Henry the Hernia doesn't appreciate my talents, but I don't care. I could be on top chef with this shit.

my greatest super power to date however, is my uncanny ability to think that everything that comes out of my mouth is complete genius. and anyone who disagrees or argues with me is stupid. and I will tell them so. this can be awesome, especially when I'm trying to ruin my friendships. it makes quick work of them!

Last night I developed a new super power. called shooting jager out of my nose. I own that shit.


despite all the idiotic ramble that came out of my mouth/texts, and despite drunk dialing 3 people, and especially despite confronting the girl I'm digging hardcore right now, and failing to do anything about it except ruin any potential we might have had, despite all that..I somehow placed 3rd in the poker tournament.

today I'm going to lay in my bed, watch terrible movies and develop a new super power called sober apologies. wish me luck.