Pants Vs Myself

some days...It's a really hard battle to even get out of bed. on those days, even after I've mustered up the gumption to get out of bed, I usually have a whole other set of bullshit issues to deal with before I can call it a day.
lately it's been bouts of...well the best way to describe it is intense rage.
like I'll be sitting here playing tetris. and one false move or one badly placed piece and I'll be punching the walls wondering why the world hates me so much.

you know. because a misplaced tetris piece is DEFINITELY the end of the world. and DEFINITELY an example of why the world is out to get me.

it makes me laugh of course in hindsight. because that is the most ridiculous notion ever. and it isn't until I'm like OUCH WHAT THE FUCK why did I just punch this wall? what am I, a 16 year old highschool boy who just got dumped? that I actually calm down and wonder, why the fuck am I acting like this?
few factors come into play. my job has been less than stellar as of late. I'm mostly like ovulating. therefore overly emotional. and well, I'm just plain done with the routine I've been in.

someone once told me that the only real disorder I had was being in a perpetual state of wanderlust. and that all my grievances with the world could be tackled much more effectively if I was constantly on the go. and even if she was a stupid bitch who broke my heart, she still had a point.

I've always been a chaos controlled sort of lass. where as long as everything is spiraling into the abyss on MY TERMS and at MY SPEED, then I'm gtg. (aka good to go)

this puts a crink in so many things. you know, like being a GROWNUP.
I tried to talk to a friend of mine the other day about how I just don't think I'm cut out for a long term anything, but she just looked bored when I was speaking. which has been a common trend I've found with people lately. everyone is just waiting for their turn to speak.


I'm almost 30 you know. a year and a 2 months and I'll be saying goodbye to my 20's forever. this notion still scares me. if I haven't gotten 'it' by 28...will I ever get 'it'?