where is my recede button?
my delete button.
my shielding regret button. how do I time shift and go back. so I can make changes, so I can make the right changes.
one day, I'm convinced, because I watch too many romantic comedies and I believe in this stupid thing called decency within humanity, one day, I'm convinced, I will wake up and there will be someone in my life that I can wrap my arms around in the morning and demand they stay, and they will.
and then, maybe the next day, the one hundred and 75 steps I take on any given day, in the direction of them. always in the fucking direction of them, will be noticed.
these mountains I climb, these injuries I push aside, all the pieces I've glued and re glued back together, I'm convinced, will one day be appreciated.

I can't for the life of me remember where I am going anymore. where do my shoes go now? where will I put my sweater? am I wrapped fully into life, a commitment I never signed up for. did I sign up for it? did someone forget to tell me again?

my decision to go off medication has been so hard to comply with. I am a ball of overtly emotional handicapped insanity. all these words are coming together in a giant mess and I have nothing. nothing. anymore. except a clear memory of the sideways way you smiled.