Pants Vs. I don't even know anymore

Today I feel like I'm sitting beside myself, over on the other side of the couch. I'm watching me take a nap, smoke a cigarette, ingest some pepsi max. I'm casually observing myself and taking notes so I'll know what to do should I wake up inside my own body again tomorrow, or the next day. I guess if the autopilot runs out anytime I should be prepared right?

detox isn't the hardest thing I've ever done. I probably can't even tell you what the hardest thing I've ever done was, because if I sit here to think about it, I get distracted by something shiny and give up. plus, even now as I'm casually thinking about it, I'm thinking that it's probably trivial and doesn't compare to some of the things people in my life are currently going through.

I'm quitting my job today. a job I've held for almost 3 years. to anyone who knew me before I moved to quebec, you will know that this is the longest I've ever held a job in my life, times 3. you'll know that it's previously been as easy as me just never returning to work, but today is hard. I've written my resignation letter. I've got a box ready to put my stuff in. I'm prepared to cry, or yell or walk away calmly. I'm prepared to not feel anything, or feel everything all at once.
who knows these days which feeling will be the race winner, busting it's ass through that ribbon in one powerful lunge/push towards the finish line to beat out the other emotions. sometimes it feels like their all winning at the same time.
I don't know if I have this fight in me anymore. I don't know if I can make my way through the maze, past detox, past night sweats and the inevitable bad decision making.
I used to think I was doing this for all the right reasons. that I was making all of these choices for all of the right reasons. but I feel very lost today.