I got asked today "Do you still have your blog?"

why yes, yes I do.

do I still update it? not very frequently. obviously. I suppose life just catches up in those ever pressing ways that make sitting and writing a luxury. so when I do sit, and write, it goes on paper or to places where it will be combined into binding. it's rarely blog-y. the convenience of a blog is nice, however, for instant thought. but it's uncertain future it just that really. uncertain.
I believe it's been too long since I put much positive thought into what I'd like to refer to as my "previous life" (I shouldn't call it previous though. that's undermining it's effectiveness, and putting it into a category that it shouldn't be in.)
there's far too few hours in the day to spend it thinking about things too deeply, or too remorsefully. esp when one hardly feels remorse. just pings and twangs of loss. grief. and honestly, I've had far too much grief in my life this last week. I don't really care for more. so I'll set it aside, as I tend to do, for a later date to mull over.
I do however want to remember the rambling patches of my ulterior self and pet her hair and tell her despite, it will still be ok. and just keep moving on. on to days and nights spent awake and in total love. for moments of grace and sanity and pure insanity. for campfires and friendships built to withstand anything that gets thrown. to burt reynolds shots in the misty darkness of backyards. to wonderlust and finding hope beyond hope sunken in those pretty pretty green eyes. smile smile smile.

I wish I had the patience to be funny and to entertain with tales of my misadventure (like the ball tournament where my one claim to fame song Almost actually worked. or when I spokesung a song to drunk toby as he sat blissfully unaware of his mockery, head bobbing to the tune, smiles from here to chicago) so laughable, after the fact, as they should be. but mostly this summer has been spent without much patience and outside of relaxation and inside of determination and future building. weird. I know. have you met me? have you ever known me to plan anything other than long distance driving at 3am? no. probably not. even if you have. you've likely long forgotten. Can't blame you. nor would I. it's just like the outside of relaxation. it's just life. it ticks by and moves on and if you aren't caught up in the current of the current then you're sitting on the shoreline watching the boats go by asking yourself; Self. if caught up by something so insistent as a net, as a hook in my jaw, would I take refuge in the fact that life, by and large, isn't meant to be displayed...but just...lived?
self would reply and say, shut you wine loving mouth kid. get back to it. read page 127 and ask yourself...do you even care anymore?
and the answer would almost certainly be no.