abolished night. scene setting. an overly plush brown chord couch. matching ottoman. the awfully still scent of coffee and bleach. the floors are clean, and I'm well caffeinated.

the hum of my fan reminds me of a dishwasher. and how those selected moments in my mind ranging back to the days where I still lived somewhere with a dish washer, bring me close to relaxation.
my dad, sitting feet up on an old reclining chair. reading something I'll never remember the name of. asking me to fetch him coffee. those old wooden cupboards in our house that were so stained with varnish that they constantly felt wet. inside the one, right above the dish washer were the freeze dried crystals our family called coffee. along side sat eye dropper bottles, black and peeling labels spelling out 'hazelnut' or 'french vanilla'. a product of my parents amway days. it must have been years past since they bought these things. a few drops meant to increase the flavor of the freeze dried mess. And I sit, on the counter top waiting for the kettle to boil. listening to the dishwasher run and count the seconds it took before the screeching noise signaled me that it was time to create that mess. I can't imagine how awful that coffee must have tasted to my dad. but he never said anything. just thanked me, kept reading, and drank it anyways.

it wasn't until I was much older, sipping my first cup of coffee inside a denny's while chain smoking with my friends, that I realized the lengths our parents will go to to spare their child's feelings. how maybe when my back was turned he would dump the motor oil flavored shit I brought him down the sink, and smile nice, like I was the best freeze dried coffee maker in the world.

I spent the majority of the last 4 hours reading cover to cover Chuck Palahniuk's newest addition to my library. I miss these days, where common responsibility is lessened and I can sit with my feet up on my over stuffed couch, drink pots of coffee and read. it's been so long since my own existence has taken a step in that direction. it's been so long since I've read a book in one sitting.

sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have a kid who will make me shitty coffee, and be relaxed by the sound a the dishwasher.