Pants Vs. Lymphoma

too much has happened in the past week. I don't even know where to start.
on monday I went into the dr thinking I had tonsillitis, or mono, or something equally as easily managed. in 5 short days I've gone through the most intense and depressing and horrible emotional rollercoaster I've ever been on. and it's not even close to being over.
the lump on my throat had grown. it didn't hurt...it just got bigger. so back into the dr. they ordered blood and an ultrasound on my neck.
got that done, it showed 6 reactive lymph nodes. and my blood came back with elevated liver enzymes and lactate dehydrogenase. so they ordered an ultrasound on my abdomen.
thursday I had that ultrasound and hey found that my spleen and liver and kidneys were all enlarged. all signs and symptoms of mono.
they rushed my ultrasound results to the dr, so thursday evening I go in and get good/bad news.
good news -I actually do in fact have mono. it explains everything right?
bad news - the lump hasn't changed in size in 3 weeks. in fact, it's gotten bigger (according to the ultrasound the biggest one, the one protruding from my neck is 2.6cms by 2.9cms and oval, giving it a diameter of about 4cms. to give you perspective on that a golf ball is 4cms too.) so they're concerned. and want a biospy. my dr books me an appointment with an internal specialist for tonight (friday) that's when I asked him directly, can you tell me this isn't cancer? and he responds with no.
liability right?. right.
I went to the specialist tonight and he pokes and prods and asks me a bunch of questions I've already friggen answered a hundred times. no, it doesn't hurt. it's been this big for over a week, before this big it was around for 3.5 weeks. yes I smoke. yes there is cancer in my family.
can he tell me it isn't cancer? no. no he can't.. all he can tell me is more fucking ambiguous nonsense, because that's all they can say "we just need more tests to rule things out"
so more blood work. and xrays and the first time the words have been uttered by a dr in my presence "we need to be concerned about lymphoma"
so I have an appointment with an oncologist surgeon on monday morning to cut a big ole chunk of my throat out and find out once and for all.. am I dying.
I keep trying to find humor in it all. in the irony of the timing. or how I'm sure there are people who probably think I deserve this. but all I keep finding is numbness. twinges of terror. sadness. and scared. scared so fucking beyond belief that sometimes I don't think I can even bare to walk into another dr's office because I'm just waiting for those words to come out.
I don't know...anything. I feel so fucking helpless. and tired.